Rev. Paul K. Underhay

They acknowledge that remarriage is a complex issue, especially for Christians. Connie notes that even talking about the topic is difficult, but discussing it is necessary in order to build healthy relationships. That’s why they are willing to tell others about their experience. So how did they build a successful second marriage? Here are some practical tips that worked for them:

	Be honest about your flaws and "baggage." In order to build an open, trusting relationship, Connie and John knew they needed to be honest about their mistakes and "baggage" — negative past experiences that can lead to unhealthy behavior patterns. "Whether we are in a first marriage or a second marriage, we all have baggage, and so much of it is from the marriages we grew up watching — parents, grandparents, and friends," Connie says. "Add to that our other failed and dysfunctional relationships — we bring all that baggage into any relationship we enter." Connie suggests that for those in second marriages, one of the most important parts of the process is admitting what fault they had in their failed first marriages. "This was very difficult for me," she says, "because I went through a long period of time in that marriage when I didn't believe anything was my fault. I had to face what my part was, and only because of that difficult work was I able to trust a man again."
	Get premarital counseling. John and Connie call it "doing the work ahead of time." They credit the health and longevity of their marriage to a series of premarital counseling sessions with their pastor. John discovered premarital counseling was a place where they could be completely honest with each other about tough issues. "What kind of relationship do you want to maintain with your friends? With your ex-wife? How much money is too much to spend without consulting your spouse? How many kids do you want to have? Everything comes out in counseling," John says. John admits that working through problems didn’t come naturally to him, but he was blessed to marry a woman who loves the process. Now he realizes the life-changing impact of counseling and believes that in-depth premarital counseling could prevent many troubled marriages.
	Don’t push each other’s buttons. In the best and worst of marriages, husbands and wives know what the other’s "hot buttons," or insecurities, are. In moments of anger, it’s tempting to blurt out the words that would hurt your spouse the most. But it’s crucial to remember the pain that comes along with preying on your spouse’s insecurities. "John knows where my buttons are," Connie says, "and he chooses to stay as far away from them as he can!" John has learned that words spoken in the heat of anger can cause incredible damage, especially when they are intended to attack sensitive areas. He warns husbands, "You better think before you say anything bad, because your wife is never going to forget it! You can apologize and you can take it back as many times as you want, but it’s there forever."

Blending the Family

When John and Connie married, John gained not only a wife, but also a 10-year-old son, Gib. Realizing that stepparenting was a big job that required preparation, John did his homework. He reviewed books and tapes for tips on stepparenting, and his efforts paid off with a smooth transition. So what worked for them when blending the family? John and Connie offered a few tips:

	Sign a contract. The job of being a good parent — and especially a stepparent — is much easier when you sign a contract with your children, John suggests. Contracts — personalized for each child and regularly revised to be age-appropriate — list specific negative behaviors that result in punishment. "The contract has helped a great deal with Gib, because it’s not me saying, ‘Well, you’ve done this, now you’re not going to have any TV for a week.’ It’s already in the contract," John says. In this way, contracts prevent children from feeling punishment is unfair or given out of anger.
	Encourage your child to have healthy relationships. According to Connie, it is vital for children raised in divorce to establish relationships with the stepparent as well as with the biological parent outside of the household. "Children who are being brought up in a divorce feel a protectiveness over the parent who is not in that household," Connie says. "You have to support your children to have a healthy relationship with that parent." This often requires a balancing act, Connie notes, because a parent must also remain united with his or her new spouse. "Your allegiance is with your spouse in your household; you cannot break that by showing allegiance to your ex-spouse. But you have to support your children in those relationships."
	Discipline carefully. To avoid hearing the dreaded words, "You’re not my father, you can’t tell me what to do," John and Connie decided that it was critical that Connie continue to be the primary disciplinarian, but the stand she presented would be what she and John agreed on. "As a stepparent, you want to be there and you want to support your spouse," John says, "but if you take the lead, it’s going to end up a mess." Their approach worked — Connie was strong enough to successfully take the lead, John stood united with Connie, and Gib never uttered, "You’re not my real father!" "The funny thing," Connie notes, "is that those words came from his own biological daughter’s mouth." Once when Prima and John were jokingly competing over Gib’s affection, Prima turned to John and said, "You know he’s not your real son! He’s my real brother!"

Just an Average Family

"We’re like any family," John insists. "In the evening, Prima’s in the kitchen, Connie’s making dinner — she makes dinner every night — and I’ll be in the living room working out a song. Connie will shout out, ‘I can’t hear anything, John. Please, would you put on your headphones?’"

Although they've walked the red carpet, received awards and acclaim, and spent years in the spotlight, this Hollywood family is just trying to keep it normal. What sets them apart is not their fame, but their faith in God.

Here are a few suggestions I picked up along the way that may help you through the process:

	Attend premarital counseling. First things first: Maintaining your relationship with God and each other during this busy time is a must. An experienced pastor or Christian counselor can guide you through the issues critical to every successful marriage.
	Stay organized. As fun as it is to buy stacks of wedding books and magazines, there is plenty of help (for free) at the library and online. Here’s one example of a detailed wedding checklist: Ultimate Wedding Timetable.
	Establish a budget — and stick to it. Decide who’s paying for what before you go on a spending spree. It’s a sticky subject, but an important one: Whoever foots the bill ultimately has the final say on how much is spent. If you want complete control over your wedding, it may be best to pay for it on your own.
	Be firm on major details and flexible on minor ones. Sure, a compromise here and there is necessary, but you’re never going to please everyone. Months after the fact, my parents and I still disagree on the reception time. And how many appetizers to order. And the size of the wedding cake. While it’s unlikely you’ll see eye-to-eye on everything, it is possible to make decisions everyone can live with.
	Let others help. Loosen your grip on every little detail and allow others to give you a hand. Not only will this free up time, but some friends and family members will appreciate the opportunity to get involved.
	Put down the bridal magazines (and pick up your Bible). I made the mistake of buying a stack of glossies, which made me acutely aware of my limited budget and unrealistic standards. Sure, it’s fun to pour over the flawless images and extravagant receptions, but at what price? Not everyone can afford to spend $9,000 on a dress and twice that on flowers. Do yourself a favor by keeping your Bible handy and your focus on God — not image.
	Remember those thank-you notes. If possible, write cards as gifts arrive. This will save you time — and grief — after the wedding. Also, don’t forget to take note of each package’s contents. That way, you won’t thank Aunt Marian for a vase when she gave you a set of sheets.
	Take care of yourself. It’s easy to obsess over appearance, especially when you’re the center of attention. When it comes to our bodies, upping the activity ante and cutting down on calories is a good thing. But sacrificing emotional well being to shed a few pounds isn’t worth it. After only a week on the Atkins diet, I was three pounds thinner and 10 times crabbier than when I started. We all want to look our best on the big day, but our fiancé, friends and families love us the way we are — imperfections and all. Looking for a godly identity check? Pick up a copy of Nancy Stafford’s Beauty by the Book.
	Relax and enjoy this special time together. A significant question ("Will you marry me?"), a simple answer ("I do!"), and a couple of vows later — bang — life is forever changed. Enjoy the journey.

For more information contact: Pastor Paul: (561) 654-4277 PastorPaul@toLoveandtoCherish.net   Call Pastor Paul at (561) 654-4277 for a Wedding Ceremony that is Sacred~Personal~Joyful! Rev. Paul K. Underhay ~ P.O. Box 1149 ~ Lake Worth, FL 33460 ~ (561) 654-4277       This page was last modified  May 29, 2007